Tramadol

Every Wednesday and Thursday morning, between 10-11 am, I get a call from a friend who I went to elementary school with. These are his days off, and he always wants to go to lunch. The thing is, clearly he's still in bed when he reaches for the phone, and his voice reflects this - in that it sounds like he just woke up. At the same time though, it's kind of creepy, because if I didn't know better, I'd think he was moaning on the phone. I always wanted to talk shit about it, but every reference I make is met with disdain and a weird silence, so I've learned to just leave it alone.

Yesterday he let slip that 5 years ago, while managing Round Table Pizza, he got fired for sexual harassment. It was one of those revelations where you don't want to judge your friend, but at the same time, this is the kind of information that leads one to raise their eyebrows. When I asked what happened, he said that a girl from work called one morning to see if he could cover her shift, and then reported to her supervisor afterwards that he had been masterbating on the phone. I said were you? - in a joking way, trying to deflect the awkwardness, and then he said 'No. I'm just a fat kid and this is how I sound in the morning.'

He ended up getting a better job and now makes MORE money and clearly this is something he'd prefer would just disappear, but here I am, not ready to let it go quite yet, spinning another ridiculous moment from my world into a cheap anecdote for a bunch of strangers to dissect and belittle.

If it wasn't clear already, I'm a selfish bastard.

One Last Try

You don't think I see right through you? What am I, the fourth cam whore you've fallen for? Does the airline give you a discount for this sort of thing?

I'm not proud of certain things, but when you become infatuated with a girl you can't really control the context of how it all came about.
But that doesn't change that it can't be more than this.
It could be anything.
I like you, but you're crazy.
I'm tellingyou, all we have to do is dream.
All you do IS dream.
And why is that bad?
Because.
Because by itself isn't an answer.
Let's make some coffee.
Come to Portland with me.
Why?
We could get our lives on track again. We could get up on Sunday mornings for eggs and bacon and then go on long walks with our ski jackets and cameras. We could talk and laugh and cry together. We can be happy. I know we can.
Have you used that speech before?
Probably.
You're quite good at it.
Thank you.
You're welcome. Now let's get up.
You're scared.
Oh really?
What other explanation is there?
What if I just don't want to? What if I don't want YOU?
That would be devastating.
What if I know in 6 months you'll be saying the same thing to another girl?
What if I told you when I see your smile I know what it means to be alive?
I'd say we're not characters in some story of yours.
One of these days you'll change your mind and it'll be too late.
Maybe.
And yet you still won't take a chance?
I'm here now.
Yeah but in 7 days you'll be gone and all this will fade.
You'd think you'd know how to deal with it by now.
You can joke all you want, but that doesn't change that what I'm saying is sincere.
I know, and it's cute, but still, I have issues you just don't want to deal with. Believe me.
Of course you do, but you're smart and you recognize them, and you know how to implement change.
Flattery will get you everywhere.
Not to Portland.
What do you want me to say? Yes, I'll go back to Canada, pack my things, tell my mom I'm moving in with some stranger I met at a job she doesn't even know I have (and if she did she'd disown me) and then just fly back? Is that how it's supposed to go?
Sure.
You don't even have a place in Portland, or a job, or anything. It's not as simple as you make it seem.
All I need is you to say yes, and the rest will fall into place.
What if I don't?
Then I'll be crushed.
You'll survive.
Perhaps.
Then that settles it.
Okay.
You won't touch me now? Are you going to pout the rest of the trip?
What do you want me to say?
You could at least savior the time I'm here.
All that will do is make me more angst ridden when you leave.
Do you want me to go now?
No.
What do you want?
I want you to save me.
That is such a bad cliché.
Well then, let's just go back to sleep.
You're so dramatic. And silly.
You're so cold and calculating.
Kiss me you fool.
Go to sleep.
Don't be like that.
Let's just wake up tomorrow and pretend none of this happened.
It already is tomorrow.
Well then get me another pill because I can't stand this feeling in my stomach.
I still love you. I hope you know that even as you begin to hate me.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Why would I lie?
Why do girls toss around that word so cavalierly?
By the end of the week you'll see how manipulative this smile is.
By the end of the week I'll be ready for Nurse Ratched.
You're really something.
Goodnight beautiful.
Good night, Rob.

Day's Inn

"Hello? Front desk speaking. This is Haji."
"Which channel is HBO again?"
"Which room are you staying in, sir?"
"107."
"I'm sorry for the inconvenience sir. That room does not offer HBO."
"So why did you tell me it did? Ya liar. Have you always been a liar or is this a new thing?"
"I'm sorry for the confusion sir."
"You're a big phoney. Phoney phoney phoney. Do you know you just ruined everything, Haji?"
"I'm terribly sorry, sir."
"Let me ask you this. Is there really gonna be coffee and pastries tomorrow? Or was that just a lie too?"
"Yes sir. We offer fresh coffee and donuts every morning here in the lobby."
"For all the guests or just a select few?"
"It's available for everyone, sir."
"I'm so sick and tired."
"Excuse me sir?"
"I'm so sick and tired of the lot of you. I hope you feel good about this too. I mean, thank you for confirming my general disdain for humanity." "Can we be of any other assistance this afternoon?"
"Yeah, can you tell those chubby maids to stop knocking on my door while I'm trying to rub one out? Their giggling makes me lose my concentration."
"Sir?"
"I mean the closed drapes should be enough to say, come back later."
"Sir?"
"They really shouldn't have free reign of the vending machines either. The one who keeps bringing me towels - the ones I have plenty of - you should have a clause in her contract that prevents her from getting within 10 feet of the oatmeal raisin cookies."
"I don't believe I'm following you, sir."
"I don't believe you are either. "
"Sir?"
"Well........can you do this for me then?"
"What's that sir?"
"Do you offer wake up calls?"
"Yes we do. What time would you like me to schedule it for?"
"For when this nightmare is over."
"Can you be a little more specific sir?"
"I wish I could, Haji. I really wish I could."