The Criteria

Went to Edinburgh Castle last night with my friend Josh. (It was trivia night, and the place, for being a dive bar, was jumping, with all the Tenderloin hipsters in attendance.) Anyway, he just got a book deal for his project, Written on the City, so it was cool to chat with him about it as well as the new collection I'm putting together, of which one of his stories is featured. While discussing how things came about - how the publisher essentially discovered him - it suddenly became crystal clear how inept I am at marketing myself - how I just have no desire to convince people that they should give my stories a chance (if they don't get it right away, they must be clueless, right?) - and ultimately, how easy it is for him to transition into "that" mode, where he's upselling you. Maybe that's not a fair assessment. He's as uncomfortable as I am, deep down, about self-promotion, but he's a charmer, and he's able to put all that aside and get down and dirty and convince the right people, even if they're cunts, that his ideas are brilliant, and they love it, I mean they eat it up, they need it, they can't get enough of it. And ultimately, that's why he's successful.

That's not to say that it hasn't been a good year for me, I'm just seeing things on a whole different level suddenly, and I don't want to be stuck dealing with the bookstores and the inventory managers and the sales game any longer. To steal a line from the Brits, it's bollocks.

I guess what I really mean is, if there are any marketing people out there amongst the masses that come to this little site each day (who are you people anyway? and what do you want from me?), and if you're about 5'4 to 5'7, 105 - 115 pounds, with piercing blue eyes (although if you have a fusion of blue and green, depending on the color top you're wearing, well, that's cool too) and a smile that makes the world stop for a moment in admiration, and you're a female (who has always been one) who likes to walk and do spontanteous things, and you're pleasant to deal with, and have a strong sense of humor, and get sarcasm, and you know how to behave in public (particularly restaurants) and you're not clingy, you're not an attention whore, and you don't pick fights at the worst moments, and you happen to be creative and full of positive energy and share a general sense of compassion for those less fortunate, and you can deal with sudden bouts of misanthropic fear, or perhaps even sometimes a general disdain for humanity at large, and you can deal with the constant quoting of either Fletch ("Sugar, Mr. Poon?") Fight Club ( "I am Jack's inflamed sense of rejection.") or The Royal Tenenbaums ("Anybody feel like grabbing a couple of burgers and hitting the cemetery?"), and if you don't mind the occasional parlait on NBA Sunday, or the doubleheader on Tuesday afternoon while sipping a small glass of Merlot, or the general insanity of having friends like mine (who do the damnest things, at the strangest hours) and seeing the world in this twisted, but beautiful way, well, if you fit the general paramaters of that, shoot me a line, attach your resume, tell me your sweatest dreams and your deepest fears. Perhaps we can work something out.

Right on. Thanks.